New Year, New Decade, New, New, New

Here is the thing.
For whatever reason, this year was something of a blur. It passed so quickly that I can hardly remember many of the events that constituted this moment in time.
Having said that, I am still writing my weekly column in the Biltmore Beacon- Carrie from Sex in the City minus the sex minus smoking minus living in NYC+friends+strange and unusual questions and thoughts on everything. You get the picture. A colunmist in Asheville, NC...interesting and sometimes not.
So, here is this thing.
If a recipe is the base of a great cake or anything, you must have all the ingredients to create and enjoy the end result. As in life, you must have a base with which to start. At what point to you decide what the base is going to be?
Is it family, is it work, is it creative outlets? Friends, I believe are certainly part of the base of most life recipes and I have many; I am grateful.
Truth, not telling the truth, but living the truth. Living a life that expands as it goes. Jumping in feet first, no exit plan, laughing hard, helping others, being someone who does not comsume of the earth, but who enjoys it and shares it with others.
Love, I mean not just loving something, but giving everything for the love of everything. Breaking down the walls we have built up for protection and receiving.
Here is the thing.
As much as I profess to be these things, with my base ingredients, the recipe to make it work and the ability to bring the walls down, I am anything but that.
My tolerance for mean, inept, ungrateful, selfish people has created what I call "Jabathehut". Me, this "all american girl'. Me, the person who loves babies, and the elderly, and animals, is Jaded. Never in my life have I felt loathing for things, people and experiences. I have had my share of these moments, but I have now put myself in a position, by ignoring and ommiting what is happening around me.
I have busied myself with so much. Chasing after something that is, I know not.
As this new year, decade and chapter begin, I will speak my mind, exercise my right as a free person who can and will shed and entire layer or hundreds of layers. Me, the person I dreamt of being.
Here is the thing.
If not now, when? If not when, how? If not how, why?
Reflection is a way of learning and letting experiences help us created and become what we want. So it is now, how and why I am...

Creamsicle and the Rebound

As a child, I have vivid memories of things. Often of little significance and yet they have stayed with me. Growing up in Florida included a lot of hot days. We were usually in our bare feet running around, playing in the sprinkler to stay cool and if we were lucky the ice cream truck would come around.

We would scamper to the truck and carefully review all the choices, only to pick the same thing everytime. Mine, a creamsicle. It is like a popsicle, but is made with orange and vanilla ice cream. The joy of the creamsicle!! No matter what deviations I may have taken at certain points, there was always the rebound- the creamsicle.

Life is like that in some ways.

We are happily living our lives and then something exciting happens. We scamper about and rush to see what is offered. More of something we love and less of things we do not want. At times we deviate from what we know we love and try something entirely new. It is lovely and we are happy, for a time.

But, when that truck of life changes comes again, we will most often go back to our original choices. Creamsicle and the Rebound. It is what we know.

Not Vanilla or plain Chocolate for me, thanks. I prefer the perfect imbalance of the creamsicle.

Just being Me

As I move through life, I have gone through many iterations, changes and transformations.

I was the super shy awkward girl who spent a lot of time alone, reading, writing poetry and sketching. I was the super-tomboy who raced remote control boats with my Dad. I was the studious teen, who would cringe at the thought of breaking any rules. I was the late teen who could think of nothing better than to break all the rules; just because.
I was a college student, I was a college drop-out. I was a waitress, a flight attendant, a secretary, a legal assistant, a college graduate, a graduate student, a teacher, a corporate trainer, a worker-bee, a manager of teams, and always a writer.
I was married and not married.
I live on the right side of town. I lived on the wrong side of town. I lived in comfort. I lived in squalor. I lived.
I was poor. I was rich. I was poor.

I am now a mother. I am a writer. I am a photographer. I am a business owner. I am a friend. I am a lover of life. I am me.

Me, the person who cries easily. Me, the person who protects fiercely. Me, the person who cares deeply. Me, the person who forgives. Me, the person who lives peacefully.

Just Me.

I have grown and changed and transformed and I can finally say, I love just being me.

I love that I went through all the things I have, to come to the place I am. I love the idea that there will be many more changes, transformations and versions of me to come.

Just Me.

I will become something different each time, but lose nothing of what I was or what I am now.

I will become something more. A richer version of me. A more intensely layered me. A more colorful me.

Just me being me.

Well Built Structures

People say, "things aren't built like they used to be." In fact, this is true. Things, whatever 'things' are; are not built like they once were. Does this make them better or worse?
Because things are built differently, are new, innovative, something that we have not experienced or are experiencing for the first time may, in fact, mean that they are well built structures.
For instance, houses were built by people with cut down trees, placed together with something binding and had a roof for shelter. They were built for a specific reason and were not built 'like they used to be' either.
Today, houses are built by people with machined wood, bound together with mortar, drywall, tile, etc. and have a roof made of shingles and so on. And, they too are not as they used to be, because they serve a different purpose, in a different world.
As life and the world change at a quickening pace, with new people, new experiences and new things, it is our brain that must also change. We must remember the past for what it was, hold on to memories for what they are and really experience the present for what it is.
This thing we have is a well built structure; life as we now know it. Amazing!
I am so happy that things are as they are, my memories are dear, what life has brought to me is well built, my brain is changing and growing, and the present is something spectacular!
Having well built structures, new or otherwise, is a state of mind. It is what we make of them and how we enjoy them. Although there may be a few dents, cracks or other imperfections, these walls are something to be joyful about.
Life is "not what it used to be" and yet, it is just as it was meant to be all along; A Well Built Structure.

And Then Life Throws A Curve Ball

Today is Friday and it is early; everyone still sleeping.

As I write this my brain is relieved as my Mom is also with me and my sisters, sleeping peacefully at home.

But, on Tuesday afternoon life spun as fast as lightening. My Mom, 68 years old and very much the active Nana, was rushed from her doctors office by ambulance to the hospital; blood pressure off the charts and having a 'cardiac incident'.

Luckily, I had arrived to be at her appointment, but I never expected to see my Mom, white and scared as the doctor explained what was happening. As for me, I was instantly in action mode.

Calling my three sisters and my aunt to let them know what was happening, getting arrangements made for my son's care, racing to the hospital to meet the ambulance and then the waiting...testing...waiting...admitted to the hospital.

My Mom was beside herself, after be given drugs a plenty, she was upset, confused and as well trying to comfort me. This is what my Mom does. She is the one who comforts us, even as she is in pain and scared.

Two of my three sisters were with me within 12 hours; driving and flying from two different states. My oldest sister had left for Europe and so she was on the phone for the up to the minute status.

And the details are more details, but here is the end of the story.

After 2 plus days in the hospital, tests complete, and the new pharmacuticals ready, my Mom came home.

Life.

As my Mom sleeps upstairs, I am so thankful for one more day with her.

I am grateful for my family as we come together; coordinate, communicate and work as a team. Sisters are amazing!

All the plans in the world do not prepare you for seeing your parents need care. My Mom is timeless, efffortless, every lasting...