The Plan! The Man!

The Man! 

When I was 33 years old, I decided it was time to have a baby. My career was in full swing, I had a great home, and I was married. My life was flowing in ways that it not before. At this point, I wrote down three boy names and three girl names. Convinced I would have twins, it was imperative to have all the names ready. 

Plan A. 

When I was 34 years old, my doctor suggested I get tested for block Fallopian tubes and any several other tests for infertility. Being that I was over 30 years old and had not gotten pregnant in 6+ months of trying. And, then it began. 

Plan B. 

My 'Fertility" doctor performed a series of wretched and painful tests on my body. He was anything but compassionate. His demeanor was so cold and he boasted of "his" amazing successes. After these tests and blood work and more tests, it was decided that I should be on Clomid, in an attempt to boost the production of viable ovum (eggs). 

Plan C. 

As I began to take these powerful drugs, my body became an over-achiever and created not only 18 viable ovum, but a large tumor in my uterus. My body thought I was pregnant and this tumor soon grew to the size of a grapefruit. Fast forward and I am in emergency surgery, less than three months after starting the experiments. 

Plan D. 

Let the surgeries begin! Once the tumor was removed and endometriosis and scar tissue, I was put on even more powerful drugs. Injected in my belly, the new drugs would kick start the now super ovaries into releasing the many ovum on a certain day. This brought on the "schedule" for when to be intimate with my husband. No pressure...No Fun. We are in the business of getting pregnant and it is a full time job, with a team and a calendar. Each month my brother-in-law, a paramedic, would come over and inject this drug into my abdomen. The needle was long enough to reach deep into my body and release a compound of horrific chemicals. And then it happened, I was pregnant! 

Plan E. 

After feeling a bit odd, I got a pregnancy test and took it. Negative! I was crushed and cried for an entire day. At the doctor's office, I was given a blood test; POSITIVE! The next day, and the next, and the next, I was given a blood test to determine that my numbers were rising. "You're having a litter!" exclaimed the nurse. WOAH! I was having twins. 

Plan F. 

Failure. 

Pregnant and watching my body change, reading everything about being a Mom and feeling the flutter of babies, I was overjoyed. One evening I began spotting. The on-call nurse said this was normal and not to worry. Off to bed. At some point, I recall crawling into the bathroom and howling in pain. My husband and Mom rushed me to the hospital and I was taken to surgery. When I awoke, I asked how my babies were doing. Silence. Please wait for the doctor. They are gone. Sorry. You can start again in 30 days. 

Plan G. 

Garrett! 

Pregnant, miscarriage. Pregnant, miscarriage and so on. Each time, I would blame myself, and feel like such a huge failure to everyone. Each time, someone I knew was pregnant and having a baby. One friend went so far as to hide her pregnancy because she felt guilty for getting pregnant so easily. I, in turn, decided that being a Mom is what I wanted. No more drugs. No more torture. Adoption was the option. 

On, December 26, 2002, my precious son was born. He is the gift of life. He is the reason I am a Mom. At 36 years old, and after countless experiments on my body, my life was complete with a newborn son. Surreal and so awesome! 

Fast Forward...The Man!

This year, my Man, will turn 12 years old. He is extraordinary. This precious, gentle, loving soul is a testament to the power of the universe. He is a manifestation of love. 

I am immeasurably grateful for him.

Plan H. 

Healing. 

Once my son was born, I had been off these chemicals for quite some time and I believed my body to be whole again. Then started the aftermath. More tumors, gallstones, scar tissue, even another pregnancy lost. And began what was to be 8 surgeries to remove all of the organs ruined by all the chemicals. A new Mom and quickly I became a regular at surgery and recovery. 

The light in all of this is my son. He showed me the pure joy of life. The deep laughter of discovery. The amazing wonder and purity that is a child. 

Healing. 

WALK ON...

WALK ON...

As a clinically trained massage and bodywork practitioner, I have the distinct honor of working with people in need of healing. 

I am a healer. 

This is not taken lightly, but with deep forethought and gratitude. My clients entrust their bodies and emotions in my hands and in some cases my feet, elbows, forearms and knees. 

My practice and my team are focused on complete wellness for our clients. A wellness educator and avid juicer, my goal is to create a wellness program for my clients. Getting a massage is a wonderful experience and I encourage everyone to get regular massage for better health. 

Indeed, my philosophy includes the use of massage and body work to assist in realignment of the mind and body. Included is the assessment, education plan and continued support of each of client, as they travel through their individual journey. 

As it turns out, I have a knack for working with athletes. It is such an amazing feeling to have a cyclist finish a ride and come up to my table for relief. Their tired, strained, pained muscles are looking for immediate relief. When I work on these athletes, their minds have been so focused on their ride, they have dismissed their bodies fatigue and carried on to reach their goal. The minute they get on the massage table, they are immediately relaxed. Their brain is allowed to stop racing and it settles. This is when the muscles have their BIG voice! They are tired, they are in pain, they want help. 

After assessing their needs, my work begins. It does not take long for the muscles to receive the often deep tissue body work provided. 10-20 minutes allows the muscles to release and the athlete leaves feeling relieved and relaxed. 

Miraculous! 

The power of touch.  

The Pi in Spy!

Last night my son produced a piece of paper explaining that he could come to school dressed for 'Pi' day. Today being 3/14 or 3.1414...clever and fun!

Now, having said that, my son, who is 11 years old, said gleefully, "I would like you to make me a shirt with sPikes on it." Really now. At about 6:00 pm, the night before, and I am to produce a creative twist on Pi with a shirt of spikes. hmmmm...well, I asked how we could accomplish this task together and perhaps some warning of the shirt or costume would have been appreciated. His reply, "Oh yeah, I guess that would have helped."

Quick! What does my creative mom idea powers have in her bag of tricks? How can I come up with an easy and super cool way to go to school, out of uniform? Spy, I ask? No, everyone is coming as a spy.
He was thinking Sherlock Holmes spy and I was thinking stealth, all black, secret agent spy.

Off to his closet and in a matter of minutes we have assembled the all black outfit, with black skull cap, and black wrap around sunglasses. I would expect my son to say no to this simple get up, but he is actually excited! Score for us both!!

This morning, he was up early, dressed quickly, had a look at himself in the mirror and then again, and he quickly went into his character for the day. Breakfast, stealth. Brush teeth, thorough and done! Back pack on and ready to go!

There is something to this character. He felt freedom from his uniform, freedom to be super cool. It was fun to watch!

When we arrived at school and he headed out of the car, the teacher asked "Spy for Pi?" My son, "Shhhh, I am undercover." Well played.

Kindness and Understanding

Once upon a time, one of my sisters said to me, "You are the kindest person I have ever known." It was out of the ordinary for such a display of openness and love.

Years later, I have the motion picture of that experience in my memory. I use it often when I am feeling less than kind. Less than lovable. Less than part of anything. Less than zero...

There is comfort in knowing of people who spent their lives being kind, loving, generous and genuinely doing the best they could to offer love, dignity, and acceptance. Even when faced with those that would choose to purposefully hurt them, they continued to be consistent and true to those actions.

As well, there is a knowing that when we are kind and generous of heart, we will be hurt. Those that would hurt us are those that are so very broken and sick, that they would rather see others suffer and ease their own pain in some twisted way.

Kindness and Understanding. We can choose to use this gift for the sole purpose of showing the world that there are such things. I choose to be kind. I choose to be understanding.

Grieving The Death Of The Living

For several years, I have been living in a sort of limbo. A state of being that I believed would pass and that 'life as I knew it' would somehow return to me. Through these years, I have grown in ways that I thought impossible. Grieved in ways that are completely foreign to me. Let go of ideals and beliefs that I had clung to with every ounce of my being; interwoven since birth.

And yet, when there is a death of someone who is indeed part of your actual being, and they are still alive on the earth, it is beyond comprehension. It rips to the very core of me. As if the earth stops spinning, and the heat from the sun burns away all the flesh to expose the inner most delicate pieces of my soul. My heart still beating. My heart is still beating. My heart is still beating. My heart.

When we grieve for those that have left the earth, there is a knowing of the finality of them. Their human form is forever gone and it allows us to at some point understand that our season with them has come to a close. Grieving is accepted and in some cases nurtured by those around us. Grieving is expected. And we learn to live on, without that person or people in our world. We know. It is not possible to see them, speak to them, reach out to them, hold them, touch them. It is the end.

For those that we love, have loved and continue to love, who still exist on earth. Roaming around as though they are fully human, but are a mere shell of what we believed them to be. Their death is one of the hardest to comprehend. How do you come to terms with this death. Grieving is not expected, accepted or nurtured. Let it go. Forget. Get over it. Move on. My heart is still beating. My heart is beating. My heart.

When is it enough and when do I accept that this is the "TRUTH"? When do I understand they are in fact dead. The sweet, vibrant, amazing, loving person, is not. They are dead.

My heart and my brain cannot communicate this language to each other. My brain is screaming at me! My heart is beating and aching and squeezing and part of it has died. My brain keeps screaming! My heart is still beating. My heart.

No more longing for the "life as I knew it". Let the grief come hard and fast. Let the waves of complete abandon wash over me. May I be cleansed of the living dead. May I please have peace.

Grieving the death of the living.

Family. Fleeting Time. Love.

Family

Here is how it works...

Mom and Dad are blessed with the gift of children. In my family there are four daughters.

Mom- SMART! Kind. Generous. Sensitive and loving. Mother. Sister. Daughter. 

Cathy- SMART! Super artistic. Sensitive and loving. Mother. Sister. Daughter. 

Barbara- SMART! Bold and strong. Sensitive and loving. Mother. Sister. Daughter. 

Nancy- SMART! Me. Sensitive and loving. Mother. Sister. Daughter. 

Melissa- SMART! A Force. Sensitive and loving. Sister. Daughter. 

When we are little, our parents do their very best with the information they learned; no guide book.

When we are growing, our parents do their very best with their experiences; no guide book. 

When we are grown, our parents love us and keep doing their very best as we continue to make our way in the world. 

When we are grown, we use the same information to be good daughters, sisters, mothers and people.

It is our responsibility to be more loving.

It is our responsibility to grow wiser with our knowledge and experience. 

It is our choice to be a family. 

We are all separate and unique individuals with a common thread. 

We are all given the very fleeting gift of time. 

It is our choice how we use it. 

Dad is gone. The gift of time was more fleeting and 20 years has passed. I miss him more each day. His smile, his laugh, his adventurous ways, his childlike wonder, his generosity, his gift of gab, his stories, his flaws, his unwavering love. 

The gift of time is finite. I miss his presence in my life. 

Our Mom is here. I love her laugh, her smile, her loving and caring ways, her generosity, her stories, her beautiful spirit, her flaws and her unwavering love. 

The gift of time is finite. Soak in her being here now. 

Family.

Spring Is Here! Butterfly...

There are times in our lives when the seasons have some type of magical and spiritual meaning. For me, the past two years have been some of the darkest winters on record. The winter season lasting the entire two years. It seemed like a snowball affect with anything I did, touched, loved, wanted or achieved. Drifting along through my days, getting by, wishing and hoping for better times and yet, I was still hanging out in this cold, blustery place called winter.

This year has been one of renewed love, spirit, happiness, and joy. My spring has arrived and all is possible  for me. I feel a sense of belonging. My community continues to grow. Forgiveness and peace abound.

I have written before about the butterfly during its transformation and how painful and confined it must feel having to be in that place. However, the result of enduring such trauma is wings! Wings that allow this once earth bound creature the ability to float above and see all around.

As I have endured these past two years,  I have felt more uncomfortable in my own skin than ever before. If I could have broken out of it and been somewhere else, I certainly would have made that choice. But for my love of my son, my close and ever faithful friends, my determination and being down right stubborn, these would have been the last straw.

And now, and now, I am ever grateful to my son, my dearest and kindest friends, and new love for having me be a part of a great experience. Thankful to all those who have been a part of the healing process and thankful to those who were not as well. For those who have exited my life, have freed my heart to live and love and grow.

Kindness. Caring. Receiving Love. Rejuvenation. Happiness. Wellness. 

With my feet firmly planted on the ground, this butterfly is floating on the warm wings of Spring!

BOYS. BOYS. BOYS!

On Saturday we had the pleasure of being at the best.birthday party. ever.! G and S were invited to attended a party at the NC Arboretum. The day was cold and damp outside, but the festivities were warm, lively and full of BOYS!
After holding a rat and snake and learning survival skills, we all headed into the woods to learn how to build a shelter out of sticks, bark, leaves and whatever else happens to be be near.
Soon the cold, damp feeling gave way to the excitement of the challenge to 'build it'! There were also several girls there. They ROCKED the shelter building and made quite a team!
Everyone soon got involved; it was contagious!

N, J, S and G are seen here in the amazing shelter built by S and his Dad, Tom.

Chazz, our Educator, was super cool and the boys loved that he be breaking branches and giving tips on how to make the most efficient shelter! Great work!

Thank you to our friends and extended family for coming to the party. I love Kelly, Julie, Jeff, Nina, and Tom for all getting into the action. G and I are forever grateful to have such amazing connections and loving people in our lives.

BOYS ROCK!


*photo courtesy of Kelly

B.G. and A.G. - December 26th

Becoming a Mom, Mother, Mommy and HeartMommy is something I nearly removed from my 'calling card story'. On December 26th, 2002 my beautiful, beautiful son, Garrett, was born. He was on his way on Christmas day, but the best gifts are those we wait for, sometimes for years.

His Mom, 1st Mom, Birthmom and TummyMommy, gave birth and after 4 days in the hospital, she handed me my son. So many emotions! Joy, Excitement, Fear, Saddness, WOAH!, and all the things new parents experience, plus the knowledge that we would be leaving with our son. She and his birthfather, both amazing and uber-smart college freshmen, would be leaving to go back to 'life' and move on...

B.G- Before Garrett-consisted of me, us, dogs, WORK, traveling, working 80+ hours a week to earn more to have more. B.G. also included the Infertility Experiments endured to create something that God had already planned.

A.G.- After Garrett- mind-blowing, heart bursting LOVE. Intense, no more experiments, more dogs, a lot more family and saddness too.

Saddness; how does a woman, who loves her unborn child, make the excruciating decision to surrender her child into the arms, home and heart of another mother? Profound Strength of courage, mindfulness, love and extreme understanding.

As this Christmas season is upon us, I always return to December 25th when I got the call, and the moment I saw him for the first time. Garrett, his own unique person from the start. His birthparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, great grandparents, are all a part of his life; still today. For this I am eternally grateful. My saddness has turned to compassion for all who make this incredible decision and allow 'Us' to become parents.

B.G.- Before Grace

A.G- Attained Gratefulness

My little-big man, is all the best of Kim and Steve! He is all the best of me and his Dad, too.

His life is complex, interesting and he is the Heart of it; he knows nothing else.

When I recently asked him, "How does it feel to be adopted?"

He answered, "It feels like nothing, normal, I am Garrett."

Simple. He is GARRETT!

A.G.- Absolutely Genius

The 11th Hour!

As the sun sets, I am reminded that all things come to pass. They may not come when or how we envision them. They may seem like mountains that are too tall to climb or oceans to vast to swim. And, in some cases they are indeed out of our control, not to be redeemed or corrected. But, in some rare instances, the world hands us a very thorny bloom. When handled carefully, it provides the sweetest scent. 

Today was an 11th hour day. Best described as gut-wrenching, gnarly, traumatic and truthful. A day that reminded me of a dark period in my childhood, when I realized that people can be mean and do make assumptions about each other with very little truth. Discrimination at its finest. The haves and the have nots. The feeling of being judged by being the customer. The feeling of being small and rather disposable. 

I am grateful.

Today was an 11th hour day. It provided a very sweet scent from a loved one. The truth about their personality. The truth about their constitution, regardless of the situation. Their nervous, happy, sad, concerned. loving, open and honest self. The warm ocean waters that envelope me and make all old wounds seem to disappear. The knowing that even in my small, little child mind and child hurts, they are 'steady as she goes.'

 I am grateful. 

Today was an 11th hour day. When all seemed dark and without solace, a dear friend, nudged me to stay the course, do not give in, do not give up. Get into the SUN, she urged me. Remember where you were and where you are now. Look hopefully and happily into the future. Take these challenges as a sign that I am strong and worth it. Friends are those people that really get into your pile with you and hold you up. Held up to the truth, in whatever form it may come. Whether pretty or not, that friend loves you. 

I am grateful.

Today was an 11th hour day. It brought certain resolution to two good things. Decisions made, thoughts made real, dreams secured and that 12th hour is now an easy one. This 12th hour is meant to relish in the new beginnings. It is meant to bring soft comfort and freedom. 

Thank you my oppressor. Thank you my love. Thank you my friend. 

This 12th hour is "Resplendent like the noon day sun." 

It is warm, comforting, soothing, easy, refreshing, renewing, and carries me. 

I am warmed. 

Neon Trees And Niceties

NEON TREES and Niceties...

Today is the 30th of October, 2012 and we have officially entered into Fall. We have had an earthquake, hurricane, snow, cold, warm, sunny, rainy, windy, perfect and interesting days.

Yesterday, as I took photos of everything lighting up from the sunburst from behind the clouds, it rang in my head that I had a court date for my formerly expired tag and the ticket that went with it. And, I realized that I also had a parent/teacher conference at my son's school as well. What to do?

Life as we know it can become a huge blur of 'things' and 'places to be' and 'errands' and 'car line' and 'appointments' and the list is endless...it seems the only real time we have is when we finally fold into bed, exhausted from all the chatter around us and go to sleep. Briefly. Then as we have endless dreams of all the things we have or have not done, we get the alarm clock welcome to the morning. Again. Again, and Again.

So, yesterday, I took about 3 minutes outside of the grocery store, in between errands, and took several photos of the glorious events happening in the parking lot. It was extraordinary. But wait, my court date and my ticket! My conference at school!

Well, as it were, I decided to call the Henderson County Court, Traffic division, and ask about appearing by phone, coming in early or emailing confirmation of my tag and the ticket being taken care of, in lieu of appearing in person. No. The clerk explained that I must appear in person. Drat! I sat there quietly for a moment and explained my dilemma. Really. As if the clerk of the court would truly want to hear my story, blah, blah, blah. But wait, he asked my name again and said, much to my astonished ears, "I will just postpone your appearance until January 2, 2013." WHAT! Niceties from the Clerk of the Court; I am happily aghast. Just like the sun bursting forth from the snow clouds, the Clerk, went out of his way to accommodate my story and create a suggested solution.

Yesterday was a natural wonders and disasters day to be remembered; Neon Trees included.
Today is a human condition day to be remembered; Niceties included.

Are we at the end of our days? Perhaps. The end of our days as we know it. Peace.

Just 5 Minutes...Good or Bad, Just 5 Minutes

Brilliant!

We can do anything for 5 minutes, (except hold our breath) and taking just 5 minutes to write is something I am doing.

Yesterday I met with Jill Sparks of the AB-Tech Business Incubator about HeartMommy. She is my business mentor and coach. She was my counselor and cheerleader yesterday. Coming back is hard. Writing is hard. Photography is hard. Work is hard. Life is hard.

But, if we break it down into smaller bits and times it seems less daunting and manageable. If we lose our "A" game because of things out of our control, then we must let the illusion of our "A" game change. We must adapt, if only for 5 minutes.

Recently on a walk with Garrett, we came across giant flowers plants with brilliant yellow flowers bursting forth, reaching higher to the sun. The color was electric and seemed unreal. How long did this flower take to come to the point of brilliance? How many months, weeks, days, was it a seed, a leaf, a bud, a small bloom? How many days were there no signs of it being able to bloom? I am certain any and all of these experiences lasted more than 5 minutes.

So, I write and I take photos. I work and I live. If only for 5 minutes at a time, I am living, reaching, waiting, growing, climbing, still, dancing, singing, loving, and being me. This is the thing of life.

Until next time, I am off to run. Run for at least 5 minutes at a time and then 5 more...

The Re-Entry Process...slowly...

Touching the Sun!

Re-Entry... my dear friend and fellow Florida native, Darlene, recently said upon her return from Florida. She was going through the 'Re-Entry' process to North Carolina and the mountains. 
I, still being in Florida, could understand how she was feeling. But, when I returned, the re-entry feeling was palpable. 
We talked about this strange, happy, sad, interesting experience of knowing the love of the beach and the water. Sitting and watching into forever, while the warm water laps on our feet. The immense and warming sun, wrapping around like a blanket, to sooth away the day and melt into a warm evening. 
In sharp contrast to the majestic mountains that surround us in Asheville, NC. Bold, beautiful, endless and all encompassing. The mountains have a way of wrapping around us like a cool summer breeze, bringing shades of deep green and blue into our eyes and soul. Our feet dipped in icy mountain waters that come for miles to meet us at the rivers edge. 
And yet, the re-entry, to either spectrum can be overpowering. One extreme to another in less than a day by car. Another world. 
How do I love thee...both my beloved Florida and my adopted home in North Carolina...
And so, I am in the re-entry phase of the mountains, wishing for warm salty ocean water, the sun in my face, that brilliant and blazing sunset and the look into forever. 
And so, today, I will walk among the tall soft grass of the mountains, dip my feet into the cool waters and embrace my mountain home. 
Home, two sides of one coin. Home, where there is safety and love and growth and quiet too. 

Touching the Earth...

And Time Is The Only Constant

Today, I ran across this photo of my now 9 year old son. Being a photographer gives me reason to take thousands of photos and in some cases, I do not really "SEE" them for years.
This photo clearly shows my son at about three years old, gleeful after having a kiss from his favorite person, his Nana. Her bright pink lipstick is a tell tale sign AND his amazing excitement over the most precious moment.
My Mom is now 71 years old and still wears her signature color pink. My son is not having ANY kisses at this point; he is way to old for that he says.
I love his eyes and their sweet, youthful, exuberant joy! He is so happy and I hope that he continues to have this feeling throughout his life. As he gets older, his eyes see things and his ears are filled with things that are not the fairytale life I would wish for him. But, he still sees things with an open and loving heart, amazing wonder and joyful learning.
As his mother, I too see things through his eyes. For this I am eternally grateful.
This year is one of new horizons, growth, release, and reconnecting with my roots.
With childlike wonder, I embark on this new chapter in our lives. My son, clearly at the root of all my decisions, will see some amazing things and have the chance to 're-meet' his family and friends.
My life is truly blessed. Dreams are alive. Truth and love do win.
Cotton Candy, Rainbows and Ponies...beaches, sunsets and dolphins too. I LOVE IT!

Healing, HeartMommy, Kaleidoscope- All things in Three

HeartMommy.com

As I write my first Blog post in many months,

I am excited to explain my absence

and all the new beginnings!

1. A life long dream of becoming a clinical massage therapist is coming true. I graduate in June 2012 and will be focusing on Mom and Baby massage, prenatal, post natal and infant massage.

2. Kaleidoscope Community Center will be opening in Hendersonville in May or June of 2012. This center will focus on creating community for our area. We will also offer educational classes, book readings, health, wellness and massage.

3. HeartMommy is now part of the AB Tech Business Incubator in Asheville, NC. An incubator keeps something safe and allows it time to grow and mature. Much like a baby incubator, a business incubator gives the vital nutrients, care and attention for a business to take it to a new level. We are OVERJOYED at this opportunity.

All things come in three! At least this is true for me and these are the three biggest things going. We are so fortunate to have amazing people and things coming into place to allow all of these things to work in unison. We want to help people, heal people and have fun too!

My son named the community center. Please say a pray, make a wish, send out good vibrations, send loving intentions, so that the location is procured and that all the necessary protocol is done with ease. Our community needs a center and thus will create more community for so many different people.

And away we go.....

Life Goes On- The Village

As a mother, daughter, sister, friend, family, and part of the community as a whole, it is indeed The Village that is intertwined in living.

If I were just me, and had no other titles, I would be part of a different 'tribe' as my son puts it. And yet, I am part of all the 'tribes' that my titles carry. What an enormous gift that I have been given. To be part of a family teaches us lessons that are part of who we become when we are a family unit. Family includes those that we love, as I love my son, who comes from another mother.

To say that I am great doctor or scientist, would be an untruth. And, thus I have no way of judging whether a person who is a doctor or scientist, to be a great one. Moreover, I have no right to judge or determine the character of someone, whatever their place in this world. Especially important is to learn empathy for those who we come into contact with every day. Reach out, say hello, smile, because it may be the only contact that person has with anyone else.

In my work, I am honored to meet people who are so genuine, so loving and are some of the people others pass, or avoid, and even judge because of the way they look or where they are in life. What a lost opportunity. A village has many different people and they are all humans; who need care and love and respect.

No one deserves the right to feel superior to another and indeed, they are as close to those they scoff. In a moment, their lives changed and when they need those who are around them, they are part of the invisible mass.

My part as a mother is to teach my son, the empathy of which I speak. To love the unlovable, to touch the untouchable, to reach out and make a difference. My son, believes in his tribe. He has many people in this tribe and an even larger village with so many people who love him, unconditionally.

Life goes on and the village may change, but all are welcome, each adding their own color to the pattern.

HeartMommy Pendant

HeartMommy Glass and Diamonds
Originally uploaded by HeartMommy

The HeartMommy Pendant is a silver piece, with red glass/resin and a stone in the belly-button.

Any color glass is available and any stone can be put in the belly-button for the perfect unique piece.

Having my son on December 26th, 2002 with his birthmother was the most magical of days. This design is taken from a sticky note doodle I carried for nearly four years before it was made into one piece of jewelry for Kim.

This is the second design and is one that I love so much.

Kim is my angel and Garrett is my love. He makes the world a better place by being here. I adore him completely.

My Invisible Flowers in an Invisible Vase

What is the impact of my father's departure?

Every year, I dream that my father will send me flowers because he loves me. Every year, I receive my invisible flowers in an invisible vase. They are a bittersweet reminder that my father chose to leave his four daughters. He left us physically, financially and emotionally. The crater left on me and all of my family would swallow up the moon and still have room to spare.
My Dad was my dream man! He was smart, funny, handsome, and an adventurer. My love of animals, travel, inventing things and creating ideas all began with my Dad. He set the standard for all men in my life. And with his departure, the standard was burned in my heart.

I have never recovered completely from my Dad leaving and I never will. My choices in men have lead to the eventual departure of each of them in one way or another.

I call my story, Trifeca. Three of the most important men in my life have left me. All three are now dead. My High School boyfriend died in a car accident in 1985, my Dad died in 1992 and my husband died six months later in 1993. How could they?

My dad was my hero and when he left me at the age of 13, I tried to be tough, became ultimately shy and withdrawn, and then over compensated by being gregarious, funny, smart, and available to 'dangerous' boys.

My first true love was a gorgeous person, smoky, mysterious, loving, kind and then he died. He chose to drink and ride with another boy who was also drinking and driving. He left me when I was 17 years old.

My Dad, long ago moved away from us, developed COPD in his fifties. We had only begun what I decided was our journey back to love. He was quickly dying and after Hurricane Andrew hit Florida, he left his home in the Florida Keys to come back to North Florida. 30 days later he died. He left me permanently when I was just 26 years old.

My husband, the light of my life, the sun and the moon, my world, promised me that he would stand by me forever. We eloped on a Wednesday at lunch and lived as freely as two dolphins at sea. Six months after my Dad died, he died in an accident. He left me forever when I was 26 years old.

So each year, I wait for those flowers to come, and they come as clear as the air. The impact of these three flowers as painful each time they arrive; or not.

We are an official word- TummyMommy

So, as strange as life would have it. I sent in three words for consideration as part of the english language; HeartMommy, HeartDaddy and TummyMommy.

Well, it is true, TummyMommy, was indeed chosen as an official word!

Can you stand it!?!

My whole life I have been an inventor of sorts. An artist, writer, photographer, designer, Mom and now the official originator of the word, TummyMommy.

Now, mind you, it is not me who came up with the word or its meaning. So, for us- Kim and her Mom and me and all the TummyMommys in the world, CHEERS!

I am so excited! A word, in the english language...and so it goes...

aha moment: heartmommy-a heart of love!

Recently, I was asked to share my "Aha" moment about HeartMommy. Below is a link to the story.

aha moment: heartmommy-a heart of love!

I am so grateful to have the opportunity to share the story and how HeartMommy is really about the gift of love!

Nancy
HeartMommy