Monday, May 27, 2013

Family. Fleeting Time. Love.


Here is how it works...
Mom and Dad are blessed with the gift of children. In my family there are four daughters.

Mom- SMART! Kind. Generous. Sensitive and loving. Mother. Sister. Daughter. 
Cathy- SMART! Super artistic. Sensitive and loving. Mother. Sister. Daughter. 
Barbara- SMART! Bold and strong. Sensitive and loving. Mother. Sister. Daughter. 
Nancy- SMART! Me. Sensitive and loving. Mother. Sister. Daughter. 
Melissa- SMART! A Force. Sensitive and loving. Sister. Daughter. 

When we are little, our parents do their very best with the information they learned; no guide book.

When we are growing, our parents do their very best with their experiences; no guide book. 

When we are grown, our parents love us and keep doing their very best as we continue to make our way in the world. 

When we are grown, we use the same information to be good daughters, sisters, mothers and people.

It is our responsibility to be more loving.

It is our responsibility to grow wiser with our knowledge and experience. 

It is our choice to be a family. 

We are all separate and unique individuals with a common thread. 

We are all given the very fleeting gift of time. 

It is our choice how we use it. 

Dad is gone. The gift of time was more fleeting and 20 years has passed. I miss him more each day. His smile, his laugh, his adventurous ways, his childlike wonder, his generosity, his gift of gab, his stories, his flaws, his unwavering love. 
The gift of time is finite. I miss his presence in my life. 

Our Mom is here. I love her laugh, her smile, her loving and caring ways, her generosity, her stories, her beautiful spirit, her flaws and her unwavering love. 
The gift of time is finite. Soak in her being here now. 


Friday, April 19, 2013

Spring Is Here! Butterfly...

There are times in our lives when the seasons have some type of magical and spiritual meaning. For me, the past two years have been some of the darkest winters on record. The winter season lasting the entire two years. It seemed like a snowball affect with anything I did, touched, loved, wanted or achieved. Drifting along through my days, getting by, wishing and hoping for better times and yet, I was still hanging out in this cold, blustery place called winter.

This year has been one of renewed love, spirit, happiness, and joy. My spring has arrived and all is possible  for me. I feel a sense of belonging. My community continues to grow. Forgiveness and peace abound.

I have written before about the butterfly during its transformation and how painful and confined it must feel having to be in that place. However, the result of enduring such trauma is wings! Wings that allow this once earth bound creature the ability to float above and see all around.

As I have endured these past two years,  I have felt more uncomfortable in my own skin than ever before. If I could have broken out of it and been somewhere else, I certainly would have made that choice. But for my love of my son, my close and ever faithful friends, my determination and being down right stubborn, these would have been the last straw.

And now, and now, I am ever grateful to my son, my dearest and kindest friends, and new love for having me be a part of a great experience. Thankful to all those who have been a part of the healing process and thankful to those who were not as well. For those who have exited my life, have freed my heart to live and love and grow.

Kindness. Caring. Receiving Love. Rejuvenation. Happiness. Wellness. 

With my feet firmly planted on the ground, this butterfly is floating on the warm wings of Spring!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013


On Saturday we had the pleasure of being at the best.birthday party. ever.! G and S were invited to attended a party at the NC Arboretum. The day was cold and damp outside, but the festivities were warm, lively and full of BOYS!
After holding a rat and snake and learning survival skills, we all headed into the woods to learn how to build a shelter out of sticks, bark, leaves and whatever else happens to be be near.
Soon the cold, damp feeling gave way to the excitement of the challenge to 'build it'! There were also several girls there. They ROCKED the shelter building and made quite a team!
Everyone soon got involved; it was contagious!

N, J, S and G are seen here in the amazing shelter built by S and his Dad, Tom.

Chazz, our Educator, was super cool and the boys loved that he be breaking branches and giving tips on how to make the most efficient shelter! Great work!

Thank you to our friends and extended family for coming to the party. I love Kelly, Julie, Jeff, Nina, and Tom for all getting into the action. G and I are forever grateful to have such amazing connections and loving people in our lives.


*photo courtesy of Kelly

Monday, January 28, 2013

B.G. and A.G. - December 26th

Becoming a Mom, Mother, Mommy and HeartMommy is something I nearly removed from my 'calling card story'. On December 26th, 2002 my beautiful, beautiful son, Garrett, was born. He was on his way on Christmas day, but the best gifts are those we wait for, sometimes for years.
His Mom, 1st Mom, Birthmom and TummyMommy, gave birth and after 4 days in the hospital, she handed me my son. So many emotions! Joy, Excitement, Fear, Saddness, WOAH!, and all the things new parents experience, plus the knowledge that we would be leaving with our son. She and his birthfather, both amazing and uber-smart college freshmen, would be leaving to go back to 'life' and move on...
B.G- Before Garrett-consisted of me, us, dogs, WORK, traveling, working 80+ hours a week to earn more to have more. B.G. also included the Infertility Experiments endured to create something that God had already planned.
A.G.- After Garrett- mind-blowing, heart bursting LOVE. Intense, no more experiments, more dogs, a lot more family and saddness too.
Saddness; how does a woman, who loves her unborn child, make the excruciating decision to surrender her child into the arms, home and heart of another mother? Profound Strength of courage, mindfulness, love and extreme understanding.
As this Christmas season is upon us, I always return to December 25th when I got the call, and the moment I saw him for the first time. Garrett, his own unique person from the start. His birthparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, great grandparents, are all a part of his life; still today. For this I am eternally grateful. My saddness has turned to compassion for all who make this incredible decision and allow 'Us' to become parents.
B.G.- Before Grace
A.G- Attained Gratefulness
My little-big man, is all the best of Kim and Steve! He is all the best of me and his Dad, too.
His life is complex, interesting and he is the Heart of it; he knows nothing else.
When I recently asked him, "How does it feel to be adopted?"
He answered, "It feels like nothing, normal, I am Garrett."
Simple. He is GARRETT!
A.G.- Absolutely Genius
The 11th Hour!

As the sun sets, I am reminded that all things come to pass. They may not come when or how we envision them. They may seem like mountains that are too tall to climb or oceans to vast to swim. And, in some cases they are indeed out of our control, not to be redeemed or corrected. But, in some rare instances, the world hands us a very thorny bloom. When handled carefully, it provides the sweetest scent. 

Today was an 11th hour day. Best described as gut-wrenching, gnarly, traumatic and truthful. A day that reminded me of a dark period in my childhood, when I realized that people can be mean and do make assumptions about each other with very little truth. Discrimination at its finest. The haves and the have nots. The feeling of being judged by being the customer. The feeling of being small and rather disposable. 
I am grateful.

Today was an 11th hour day. It provided a very sweet scent from a loved one. The truth about their personality. The truth about their constitution, regardless of the situation. Their nervous, happy, sad, concerned. loving, open and honest self. The warm ocean waters that envelope me and make all old wounds seem to disappear. The knowing that even in my small, little child mind and child hurts, they are 'steady as she goes.'
 I am grateful. 

Today was an 11th hour day. When all seemed dark and without solace, a dear friend, nudged me to stay the course, do not give in, do not give up. Get into the SUN, she urged me. Remember where you were and where you are now. Look hopefully and happily into the future. Take these challenges as a sign that I am strong and worth it. Friends are those people that really get into your pile with you and hold you up. Held up to the truth, in whatever form it may come. Whether pretty or not, that friend loves you. 
I am grateful.

Today was an 11th hour day. It brought certain resolution to two good things. Decisions made, thoughts made real, dreams secured and that 12th hour is now an easy one. This 12th hour is meant to relish in the new beginnings. It is meant to bring soft comfort and freedom. 
Thank you my oppressor. Thank you my love. Thank you my friend. 

This 12th hour is "Resplendent like the noon day sun." 
It is warm, comforting, soothing, easy, refreshing, renewing, and carries me. 
I am warmed.