Monday, January 28, 2013

B.G. and A.G. - December 26th

Becoming a Mom, Mother, Mommy and HeartMommy is something I nearly removed from my 'calling card story'. On December 26th, 2002 my beautiful, beautiful son, Garrett, was born. He was on his way on Christmas day, but the best gifts are those we wait for, sometimes for years.
His Mom, 1st Mom, Birthmom and TummyMommy, gave birth and after 4 days in the hospital, she handed me my son. So many emotions! Joy, Excitement, Fear, Saddness, WOAH!, and all the things new parents experience, plus the knowledge that we would be leaving with our son. She and his birthfather, both amazing and uber-smart college freshmen, would be leaving to go back to 'life' and move on...
B.G- Before Garrett-consisted of me, us, dogs, WORK, traveling, working 80+ hours a week to earn more to have more. B.G. also included the Infertility Experiments endured to create something that God had already planned.
A.G.- After Garrett- mind-blowing, heart bursting LOVE. Intense, no more experiments, more dogs, a lot more family and saddness too.
Saddness; how does a woman, who loves her unborn child, make the excruciating decision to surrender her child into the arms, home and heart of another mother? Profound Strength of courage, mindfulness, love and extreme understanding.
As this Christmas season is upon us, I always return to December 25th when I got the call, and the moment I saw him for the first time. Garrett, his own unique person from the start. His birthparents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, great grandparents, are all a part of his life; still today. For this I am eternally grateful. My saddness has turned to compassion for all who make this incredible decision and allow 'Us' to become parents.
B.G.- Before Grace
A.G- Attained Gratefulness
My little-big man, is all the best of Kim and Steve! He is all the best of me and his Dad, too.
His life is complex, interesting and he is the Heart of it; he knows nothing else.
When I recently asked him, "How does it feel to be adopted?"
He answered, "It feels like nothing, normal, I am Garrett."
Simple. He is GARRETT!
A.G.- Absolutely Genius
The 11th Hour!

As the sun sets, I am reminded that all things come to pass. They may not come when or how we envision them. They may seem like mountains that are too tall to climb or oceans to vast to swim. And, in some cases they are indeed out of our control, not to be redeemed or corrected. But, in some rare instances, the world hands us a very thorny bloom. When handled carefully, it provides the sweetest scent. 

Today was an 11th hour day. Best described as gut-wrenching, gnarly, traumatic and truthful. A day that reminded me of a dark period in my childhood, when I realized that people can be mean and do make assumptions about each other with very little truth. Discrimination at its finest. The haves and the have nots. The feeling of being judged by being the customer. The feeling of being small and rather disposable. 
I am grateful.

Today was an 11th hour day. It provided a very sweet scent from a loved one. The truth about their personality. The truth about their constitution, regardless of the situation. Their nervous, happy, sad, concerned. loving, open and honest self. The warm ocean waters that envelope me and make all old wounds seem to disappear. The knowing that even in my small, little child mind and child hurts, they are 'steady as she goes.'
 I am grateful. 

Today was an 11th hour day. When all seemed dark and without solace, a dear friend, nudged me to stay the course, do not give in, do not give up. Get into the SUN, she urged me. Remember where you were and where you are now. Look hopefully and happily into the future. Take these challenges as a sign that I am strong and worth it. Friends are those people that really get into your pile with you and hold you up. Held up to the truth, in whatever form it may come. Whether pretty or not, that friend loves you. 
I am grateful.

Today was an 11th hour day. It brought certain resolution to two good things. Decisions made, thoughts made real, dreams secured and that 12th hour is now an easy one. This 12th hour is meant to relish in the new beginnings. It is meant to bring soft comfort and freedom. 
Thank you my oppressor. Thank you my love. Thank you my friend. 

This 12th hour is "Resplendent like the noon day sun." 
It is warm, comforting, soothing, easy, refreshing, renewing, and carries me. 
I am warmed.