For several years, I have been living in a sort of limbo. A state of being that I believed would pass and that 'life as I knew it' would somehow return to me. Through these years, I have grown in ways that I thought impossible. Grieved in ways that are completely foreign to me. Let go of ideals and beliefs that I had clung to with every ounce of my being; interwoven since birth.
And yet, when there is a death of someone who is indeed part of your actual being, and they are still alive on the earth, it is beyond comprehension. It rips to the very core of me. As if the earth stops spinning, and the heat from the sun burns away all the flesh to expose the inner most delicate pieces of my soul. My heart still beating. My heart is still beating. My heart is still beating. My heart.
When we grieve for those that have left the earth, there is a knowing of the finality of them. Their human form is forever gone and it allows us to at some point understand that our season with them has come to a close. Grieving is accepted and in some cases nurtured by those around us. Grieving is expected. And we learn to live on, without that person or people in our world. We know. It is not possible to see them, speak to them, reach out to them, hold them, touch them. It is the end.
For those that we love, have loved and continue to love, who still exist on earth. Roaming around as though they are fully human, but are a mere shell of what we believed them to be. Their death is one of the hardest to comprehend. How do you come to terms with this death. Grieving is not expected, accepted or nurtured. Let it go. Forget. Get over it. Move on. My heart is still beating. My heart is beating. My heart.
When is it enough and when do I accept that this is the "TRUTH"? When do I understand they are in fact dead. The sweet, vibrant, amazing, loving person, is not. They are dead.
My heart and my brain cannot communicate this language to each other. My brain is screaming at me! My heart is beating and aching and squeezing and part of it has died. My brain keeps screaming! My heart is still beating. My heart.
No more longing for the "life as I knew it". Let the grief come hard and fast. Let the waves of complete abandon wash over me. May I be cleansed of the living dead. May I please have peace.
Grieving the death of the living.